My Faults
by XxPinkSparklesxX
Summary: Goku comes back to life, but unfortunately things change and don't remain the same forever. He reflects on past events from the point his son was a young boy and was forced into a world of fighting, until the end of the fight with Buu. Relationships suffer and sacrifice is required. One poor decision can impact on someone else's life: Gohan's.


_A/N: One-Shot is in Goku's point of view._ **Enjoy everyone!**

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**My Faults  
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I came back to life for this moment. Not specifically for the tournament, but to see my eldest son. It's been seven years since I've been gone. Why didn't I come sooner? Probably I never thought about it.

Appearing in front of everyone; there he is, my eldest son. He's wearing a weird costume; then again he inherited my weird taste of clothing. Everyone stared at me weirdly when I came back from Yardrat all those years ago. He laughs in joy as he sees me.

I wish I could just take off his costume to see his face. I can't behind everything he has on; I want to see who my little boy has become after all these years. I want to see how he really feels; if he is sad I stayed away all this time. I know I am…

All I long to do is run up to him and pull him in my arms and apologise. If I did, how could I make it up to him? I would be gone the next day and I would still be dead. I just wish to hold the boy in my arms like I did all those years ago. My biggest regret leaving was not saying goodbye properly to him; not explaining anything.

Even in these thoughts, I smile and ask everyone to hug me. Behind Chi-Chi's there's another son I do not know: Another mistake I have made because of my actions seven years ago.

As I play and run around with my youngest son Goten, my mind is bought back to my eldest son. He never got the chance to do this. He was always fighting or studying. Not even once did I tell my son the words 'no' to protect him or shelter him from the pain of the world. Maybe I did before all the fighting…

Before all the fighting began Gohan avoided violence. He once asked what it was like to be a fighter. I gave him the short answer 'I'll teach you when you're older'. If I had known he would've been kidnapped then I would've made sure he could at least protect himself.

And yet things always turn out the way you don't expect them to…

Garlic Junior kidnapping my son scared me. I didn't want my son to go out and fight in a scary world, especially when he feared it and he had the choice to fight or not to fight. I wanted Gohan to not fight at four, but a little later. Of course the Kais are probably at fault for that one because everything after that just got worse. And out of everyone it wasn't fair on Gohan. He didn't ask for any of it. He was always in the middle of my fights, which he never were a part of until he was involved unintentionally.

If getting kidnapped happens a second or a third time, you think you would learn your lesson to go with you gut instincts; to train your son. Unfortunately after being kidnapped the second time and the third; which was out of my control, I didn't have the chance to even attempt to even train him. We never were together after the second time and only after the third I saw him again. And when I died the first time, I could almost say goodbye to the sheltered son I once had. He was so much more independent. He still cried some; but not nearly as much. All of this was a result of his training.

Looking at him for the first time in so many months, he had definitely grown a lot. The main difference I saw was that he was happier. However, he had sadness about him; having the weight from Raditz on his back, which wasn't his fault.

Of course my son had also become more dependent on himself; never once when I was alive was the boy independent, which was both mine and Chi-Chi's fault. Since Gohan was born, both Chi-Chi and I decided that he would be safe. That was what we both could agree on; though we both had different dreams for our son.

And then the only fight I ever lost was against teaching Gohan to fight. I actually was scared to teach him, because I didn't want to hurt him. So I wasn't pressing on the matter, I thought at the time, I'll wait until he is older and then ask Gohan what he wants to do. That way I could teach my son to fight and it would be more age appropriate, plus I only ever wanted for Gohan to choose; not have it the other way round.

But then of course Gohan was forced into my battles; that is my fault. I wasn't strong enough to protect him. I'm his father; I should be the one protecting him. The only reason I didn't want my son involved in any of my fights was because it would hurt him; which would break my heart and it would be my fault I let him fight.

But how could I deny my son the power to fight? If I did, then that would make me a bad person for letting him make him make his own decisions.

While seeing my son the day I came back to Earth after being dead for nearly I a year, see him crying over Piccolo's death shocked me. Though I don't what made me surprised more; that he had the ability to fight or that Piccolo had changed. I knew my sheltered son at that point had changed. I barely recognised him any-more; he was a changed person. And it wasn't until I was rendered useless that I came to the realisation that he had the power to fight his own battles. He always had potential; then at the point in time I saw it. Within the little boy who looked at me such a hope in his eyes in comparison to when he used to hide his face; well I knew things were different.

I couldn't believe when Gohan explained whilst we were in the hospital, that Piccolo had kidnapped him. I don't think anyone on this planet has ever been kidnapped more than my son; that is for sure. Though I think what shocked me the most was when he told me and his mother he was stuck in the wilderness for six months on his own. Chi-Chi rarely let him leave the house. He then made us realise that he was so close to home and chose to fight. He chose others safety over his own. I couldn't believe my eyes; my son was so selfless and had grown up way beyond his age, in just a year. If I had been alive things would've been different. Probably I would've trained my son, but not let him fight the battles. If I had any say in it, he wouldn't be their, but it was his choice as a warrior and warrior fights their battles.

From then, things changed. Gohan left for Namek. I was left trying to convince Chi-Chi it was all going to be okay. In fact, I had to talk her out of leaving and going with me. She failed to understand Gohan was strong enough to go on his own. Though that didn't stop my worries; I knew though that Gohan needed more power. And Vegeta being on Namek helped no-one, when we realised he was their. He was a danger to my son and to Bulma, Krillin and the planet.

Then of course my worries grew as I heard about Frieza. Unknown of how much of a threat he was, all I knew was he had the ability to harm my son. And he sent The Ginyu Force to stop us from getting the Dragon Balls.

When I got on the battlefield; there he laid on the ground. He was barely even alive; if I had been their minutes earlier I could've prevented it. I was proud, but scared half to death that my son fought. I knew then, in that moment he would not give up a fight. His path, then began because I knew he wouldn't listen to a word of anyone said. This worried me because if he had to choose between protecting me and myself; he would pick me hands down. I have the ability to handle a fight and protect myself; while Gohan was still inexperienced.

I gave Gohan a Senzu Bean and the others. I was so relieved when Gohan was trying to brush me off him as I was trying to get the dirt off his close. I was rather happy at the annoyance of the bad guys as they were getting impatient. I did enjoy beating them up, but unfortunately I couldn't kill them. It had always been against my morals unless there is no chance that they could be saved. Though I never had to choice as Vegeta killed them anyway.

Then two of The Ginyu Force member got Captain Ginyu who was the only villain to steal my body. Of course I was injured due to subdued wounds that were self-inflicted when Ginyu was in his own body.

As Ginyu was followed by Krillin and Gohan, only my son had the ability to tell that I wasn't in fact in my own body. However whose father asks their own son, to hurt them? I'm so guilty of it; I wish I never asked him to do it. I couldn't blame him for not having the ability to do so.

I wasn't going to let the bad guys win or let my little boy get killed to preserve my own body. It was plain wrong to let them win, so I could see my reflection in the mirror the same way my whole life and to keep my powers. My sons' life was more important than my own original body.

And as my boy finally mustered the courage, thankfully Vegeta was around. From then on I knew he was an asset. I changed back to my original body; however I was rendered useless and unable to help my son when things were to go wrong. So I was putting in a regeneration tank which slowly healed my wounds.

A few times I felt my son's power level reach far beyond its limits, but then for it to almost disappear. I was ready to destroy the machine that was healing me; in order to save my son, despite how reckless it may've been to do so. I would've done anything to help my son.

When I was healed I broke the machine as soon as I could. As I reached where everyone was, I was relieved, but not as Vegeta had died in front of my eyes within minutes and the friend Gohan made; Dende has been murdered by Frieza.

I was tempted to grab my son and hug him, never letting him go. I never ever did want to let go of my son. However, I knew that we were on a battlefield and I would not be allowed that opportunity. That place at the point in time; I had worried Gohan saw too much and he had. Who asks a five year old to join the battlefield?

However, as bad as that sounds, that was Gohan's choice to make; not mine.

I fought Frieza for a long time with both trying to not get Gohan involved and preventing him from destroying the planet. In the end he had hit the core anyway and it got destroyed.

But before that I created a spirit bomb as I felt it was the only thing I hadn't tried and I didn't know what else to do. Of course it failed in the end. When I finally was able to hold my little boy in my arms for the first time in a long time, Frieza tried to harm my friends and my son. He ended up killing Krillin and rendering Piccolo unconscious.

And then I transformed into a Super Saiyan. I was in such a rage. I couldn't let Gohan be a part of his pathetic ploy and I needed Gohan out of danger. So I yelled at my son and boy I couldn't forget how terrified he looked at me. I told him he needed to leave the planet with Piccolo.

He just stared in fear that I monster took over his Daddy and sadly on did, but it was either a scary Father or a bad Father who never tried to protect his child. I couldn't be a bad Father to him.

So Gohan listened to me, taking Piccolo with him and went to find Bulma. However, Gohan had come back; going against my wishes. I was angry and I had to give into the rage; otherwise the power I had obtained would diminish. It took everything to hold the transformation; but basically to scold my son for helping, I wanted to hurt myself for doing so.

I was, too shocked to see Gohan beat Frieza up, even if it were for only a limited amount of time. I never really was able to see him fight properly; unless of course, I was close to be unconscious. I hid myself as Gohan couldn't see I was their and Frieza was too busy with him to notice.

In that moment when I told Gohan to leave, he refused. His stubbornness; just like his Mothers was making me close to losing the transformation as I had no control over it at that point in time. I screamed at him and yet with that I felt so guilty.

Then Gohan went to the ship and everyone was transported back to Earth along with everyone on the planet with the Dragon Balls, though Frieza and I were stuck as Frezia had already struck the planets core and it was going to blow any minute at that point. I knew I could finally finish this fight and go home and be with my family. However leaving Namek after defeating Frezia, didn't exactly end how I thought it would.

Instead when I attempted to leave, I awoke on Yardrat where I learnt some amazing techniques and ate lots of food. Though I spent quite a bit of time recovering from that fight and trying to master and control Super Saiyan, so I wouldn't be scaring Gohan.

It took some time to try and get over, me yelling at Gohan like that. I knew I didn't want to hurt my son. As I prolonged myself leaving; I knew I shouldn't have as I couldn't get it out of my mind.

When I left from the ship the last thing that entered my mind was my son. At least he was safe; and that was all the mattered. With Freiza's death, that would be one less worry for Gohan to think about.

On the way back to Earth from Yardrat, I could've come back straight away. It would've only taken two weeks at most, though I just needed some time to think about everything. It was so difficult having known the last time I saw my son; I had been yelling at him. If I had been in his situation I would've done the same. All Gohan was worried and scared, and at that time I couldn't comfort him.

Then I sensed it…

Frieza.

I thought I had defeated him. Apparently not then…

And as soon as I put my fingers to my forehead all of a sudden I was put to sleep. I wasn't able to get to there in time.

When I arrived there was everyone. The son I wished to hold and didn't in fear that he may feel embarrassed. However, there was a boy from the future; Trunks who gave to me a cure for the heart virus I was meant to contract some time in the near future at that point in time.

Then I also discovered the fate of my son in that future timeline and I knew I couldn't even let that happen. I couldn't have him fighting on his own, when I was meant to be there to protect him, but also not have me grow up with him their. And even at the end of it, he ended up dying. I couldn't let it happen to Gohan! I had to protect him.

And so we all agreed to train as Trunks went back to his own time. He said he would come back and when he would, I knew it would be funny for Bulma and Vegeta to see their son all grown up. I tried to hold back the laughter just thinking about it.

Piccolo, Gohan and I agreed to train together. However, the main obstacle in that would be Chi-Chi. She had always been protective and didn't want Gohan to start fighting. I wanted for Gohan to start when he was older, but once you are in the fighting world, you never truly leave. I knew Gohan couldn't leave because when you know, you can make a difference; you will make that difference.

I ended up hitting Chi-Chi into a tree by accident and leaving a hole in the house as I hit her too hard. Though she did cave; agreeing to Gohan training with Piccolo and I somewhere deep inside of me I felt fear that I would hurt my son. So I did what every good fighter shouldn't do. I held back constantly.

Piccolo knew for the three years what I did. He mentioned it once to me and kicked me into a ditch where I didn't return home for the rest of the day because I knew he was right. I couldn't face him or Gohan. When I saw them again, Piccolo said nothing however in my mind he whispered 'One day you will have to be harder on him, whether you like it or not. Think about he would feel for once. Gohan wants to protect and you not fighting him properly is going to cause him regret. Think about that!'

And another interesting topic before the androids arrived was when Piccolo had explained how Garlic Junior came back. I couldn't believe it. And that my son was the reason the planet is still moving.

I guess in that moment I realised that my son would likely save the world, but also to hear Bulma's son from the future; Trunks, say he was the one who trained him, made me believe Gohan had so much potential. However, I didn't want Gohan to get involved; I wanted to protect him.

Piccolo had always been right when it came to my soft heart. I didn't have the heart to hurt my son or make him improve as much as he could because I didn't want him to have to the world on his shoulders.

Out of anything, the three years didn't do anything for Gohan because of my emotions and Chi-Chi constantly telling me for him to keep studying.

However the one night I was alone with Chi-Chi, she did yell at me a lot! I learnt then that I was being too protective and that it wasn't just Chi-Chi…

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-Flashback-

It has been nearly three years, and the androids should be arriving really soon. Gohan has gone with to Bulma for the night to give me and Chi-Chi some alone time.

"Hi Chi-Chi," I grin, "Since we're 'alone'." I grab her around the waist, while she struggles to get off me. I look at her in puzzlement, why doesn't she want to do anything? Normally she prefers to do 'this' when Gohan isn't home. It's not like we have explained the birds and the bees.

"Goku, we need to talk." Chi-Chi states, her demeanour is unlike her; either she is yelling or she is yelling. Sometimes she smiles and laughs, but mostly she worries too much.

I ask, "What is it?"

She looks nervously at me, "It's about our son." Chi-Chi sits at the table and signals me to sit down.

"What is Chi? Is something wrong with Gohan?" I stare into my wife eyes in panic wanting to know the answer.

"Is there something wrong with you?" She questions sternly almost beginning to yell.

"Me?" I ask, "Wasn't it about Gohan?"

"It is," Chi-Chi glares, "but, I don't get it. Why are you not training him properly?"

"Chi-Chi!" I put my hands up in protest and in fear she will begin the yelling war, where she will yell and yell some more and win, "I am training him properly. Why would you think that?"

She screams, "Goku! You said you would train our son, didn't you?"

"Yes honey," I look down in fear. Oh, boy I'm going to get into trouble no matter the words I say. Chi-Chi is pissed.

She screams in anger, "Then how come Piccolo came to talk to me? Huh?"

Okay, beyond pissed.

"I don't know." I attempt to act oblivious. Unfortunately she has the right be angry; but I am angry more-so at myself than anyone.

She frowns in rage; kicking the chair next to us on the floor, "Really Goku! Then how come our son isn't a Super Saiyan?"

"Chi-Chi, it takes time." I try to explain.

"Why Goku? Didn't Piccolo say you needed to push Gohan more, because he has been doing most of the pushing?" Oh, boy she is right. How do I tell her?

"Chi-Chi, I can't." I admit. I don't want to hurt my little boy.

She growls, "And why the hell not?"

"Look Chi-Chi, I'm afraid of him getting hurt. I wanted to protect him. As much as you hate Gohan training, he loves it."

"Oh, Goku," She grabs my hand gently, "And that should be the reason for you to be fair with him and do it to the best of your own ability. Gohan needs it Goku. You and I both know we can't protect our baby forever. It's hard when you and him go out and I am here and I can't do anything, but Goku, he won't be able to protect himself, if you aren't doing all you can to make it so he will be strong enough to protect himself."

"I want to help him transform Chi-Chi, I really do, but it is so painful."

"Goku," Chi-Chi says seriously, "you will be their every step of the way. You will comfort him, plus he won't learn anything if he isn't in any pain. Didn't you say to me it was the pain of loss that made you transform?"

"Yes Chi, it is." I look down, "I don't want him to go through it all."

"But Goku," she smiles sadly at me, "He has to. It isn't fair on him. He wants this Goku. Who are we as parents to deny our child of it? We want more for our son."

"It's not fair," I sigh, "how do I let go?"

"Honey, you just need to be tougher with training. You need to make things more difficult; not constant like they have been. And with transforming, you need to make sure our son is ready, but now you have to be ready otherwise he won't improve Goku."

"I understand," I put my head on the table in sorrow.

"Tonight Goku, I think we just need to cuddle." I see her hug me as we both comfort each other. I know I need this.

-End of Flashback-

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When we went to fight the androids my mind kept reminding me of what both Chi-Chi and Piccolo were saying. I knew if I had to train Gohan more, I wouldn't even be able to go easy on him and I would have to make up for the fact that he should've become or be on verge on transforming.

As we went out to fight; I felt myself getting weaker. Then of course two Androids appeared, almost killing Yamcha. To transform into a Super Saiyan burned; it burned like a fire more than ever before. I wasn't sure if something was wrong, but I knew somewhere deep inside of me something was amiss and I wasn't going to stop fighting until I knew my son was safe. Unfortunately as I started fighting an Android, the energy within me was being seeped and giving the Android energy.

I fell unconscious for days. And in those days I started yelling because of the nightmares and the things I was seeing. Most of which were directed towards my guilt of not being hard enough in training to Gohan. I kept seeing him hurt and dying.

As soon as I awoke I felt relieve wash over me. My little boy was safe and I knew I had to do the one thing I wished to never do; hurt my son. Training always came with pain, but the amount he would have to endure would likely be in a lot of it until he got stronger. I knew I would have to be hard on him, but I had to be strong for him now. I had to stop being selfish and think of him for once.

I knew in my protective heart, I had to let Gohan have this. I couldn't let him sit on the sidelines any-more and have guilt over the fact he wasn't strong enough. I should've done more and yet I didn't. Whether I liked it or not he was going to be a Super Saiyan and I knew he would be the one to surpass me. He was driven enough and it was me who feared he didn't need me any-more. And he Gohan openly blamed himself for everything that really was my fault.

And when Chi-Chi told me to not go easy on our son, I was reminded of the memory of when she yelled at me. She knew I was too soft on our son, and that did hinder his growth. I was worried he wasn't ready, but all that time I knew I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for my son to grow up and to let the true hero of this planet finally reveal itself.

And then came Cell, the destroyer of so many innocents.

When I transported to the plane to get Gohan, I held him, like I had wanted to in front of them. I no longer felt ashamed, because Gohan wasn't embarrassed easily. If I had given it a couple of years into his early teens, then things may have been a little different.

I used Instant Transmission to go to the Lookout with Gohan to use the Hyperbolic Time Chamber. We waited for hours and almost killed me to just sit and do nothing because I wasn't sure if I had helped, that I would've lived.

Gohan tried to leave at one point and when I hit him. I almost felt myself crying, however I couldn't let him do it. I wouldn't ever let my son go eye to eye with death; despite he had a few times ever since he had begun fighting. In that moment I realised I had to let Gohan fight. I had constantly been holding back, trying to prevent him fighting, in order to protect him. And look what had happened. I hurt my son, so he wouldn't go. I had to make things right.

I went to save Tien and Piccolo and had brought them to the Lookout. Finally Vegeta and Trunks were out. I would've gone straight into the Time Chamber, except I knew I wouldn't be eating any home cooked meals for awhile…

When we entered I felt myself feeling weak, though I had to be strong for him now. I hadn't been ever in my life, except when he was having a nightmare or when he was younger and didn't know how to do things himself.

As Gohan got used to the gravity, I slowly kicked things up a notch. However it came to the point where Gohan knew I wasn't doing enough. I had always known he was right and when he told me to do more, I knew if I couldn't do this for myself, I had to do it for him; to let him no longer live in the fear that he wasn't strong enough, because I knew he was. He needed to start believing and I had to start letting go.

Time went past and I decided we needed to get out of that place. It wasn't place for an eleven year old boy. I didn't want him to do any more growing unless he was doing it in the outside world because I knew Chi-Chi didn't want to miss anything. Especially after Gohan being kidnapped and then him going to Namek.

We exited the Time Chamber and the when onto the Lookout and boy I think Piccolo was shocked. He knew Gohan was capable, I think he doubt if I was capable of being harder on my son. I don't know if I heard him right or not, because I swear to this day I heard in my mind 'He's so strong now, I barely even recognise him.'

'The Cell Games' was what we wouldn't ever stop hearing about. My heart hurt thinking about it. I didn't want him to fight.

When Gohan was young, I knew I would never allow him to fight my battles and that I would keep him out of danger no matter what. I broke that promise to myself. How could I? I just did, and with that I broke my son.

The choice was difficult to make for my son to fight or the world and universe to be destroyed. I knew it was a lot to ask of my son, but I knew deep down I had to choose between living or dying, it was as simple as that. I knew in order for me to have the capabilities my son had and surpass them, I would have ran out of time in the Hyperbolic time Chamber.

I knew my son could get strong quickly and his hidden powers seemed the only thing hopeful at that point in time. I lost hope in myself because after I almost died, I just couldn't fight any-more. The nightmares; the real world was scaring me.

I felt I needed at the time when I was in the chamber; to help Gohan conquer the fears he had and make him see he was strong enough. I always believed in my son more than myself. I hated how Gohan always blamed himself for what was already done, but really it was my fault. My fault for not being their and protecting him. I am his father and yet I was never their when he needed saving.

I really didn't want him to be his own hero. I wanted me to be his. When he transformed the first time and cut his hair; he changed. He became his own person. Gohan was always the definition of independent; but he was only really dependent on me when I was helping him train and when he was having nightmares. And yet through the entire ordeal with Cell he never once complained. He just did it.

That was what made everything so hard to deal with. Gohan took life as it was given to him. No matter how many times he was knocked back, he came back stronger; continually getting up. I always just stood by; I only was ever able to do was comfort him. I never tried to take him away from it all.

Then when we went to Master Roshi's Chi-Chi did cry and yell about our son transforming, she did however talk to our son when we got home and tell him she was proud of him. She knew from my own experience that it was easier said than done. Chi-Chi has always been proud of Gohan whether it be fighting or him studying. Though she has always preferred him studying, as did I, because we had known he would be safe. I had known that time, I was making a mistake.

Then that day came. The worst day of my life, when I went on that mountain that day and asked my son to fight, I regretted even uttering the words because it killed me to do so. I was just hoping that some day Gohan would forgive me for my actions.

As he fought and fell and got up, remained so frightened and fearful my little boy was getting hurt. I couldn't show the others my panic, and yet none of them noticed how terrified I really was.

I knew Gohan didn't want to fight, but it was either him growing up or never having the chance to. I chose the selfish yet, right choice. I had to have my son fight for his own future and all I could do was watch.

Constantly Gohan was being beaten down. I felt my heart ache even more as he was under the rubble. I knew he was fine, but this was supposed to be my fight and I became the bystander. I guess I knew then, what the others felt like whenever I was fighting powerful enemies; powerless.

When all those mini Cell started attacking, my heart was ready to choke as I saw my son crying; crying over my mistake. And yet there was no other way to save him. I didn't want him to be his own hero; I wanted forever to be his.

I didn't want my son to become a man, but he became one in the hyperbolic time chamber. He chose to fight and when he looked at me with his teal eyes for the first time; I knew the torment of not being good enough forced him to grow up and that was my fault. I should've sheltered him and that was what I wanted, however Gohan wanted to protect and I knew he wouldn't fail like I had every time as I had always attempted to save someone. I knew he could do what I couldn't.

He kept sitting feeling helpless. And yet he shouldn't have even been there. He should have been with me, playing in the yard. No-one told him he couldn't go. Chi-Chi wouldn't dare as she knew what happened the last time she attempted to stop Gohan: he yelled at her. And Gohan doesn't really raise his voice to anyone. And I'm not in a position to tell Gohan 'no'. I can't let him not have the chance to protect what we cherish, but with that it will only bring regret and Gohan has saved many lives before. It's not right, when everyone know he can save and protect those who don't have the power to do so.

As I fought the Mini Cell, I was powerless. He kept beating me up. Part of me was so tired; however the other side of me was telling myself that I deserved it for sending my son to fight a monster. Then all of a sudden, Android 16 was alive; only his head was intact. However my heart dropped as his head was crushed by Cell's foot.

Then all that was heard was Gohan's screams. His power erupted; like a furnace with a new flame that everyone could have felt. As the dust cleared I could've almost said goodbye to my little boy. In that moment he looked beyond his age; older than me.

He kept beating Cell down easily. However, I knew something was amiss. Gohan never in his life played around while fighting. He always gave everything he had, and knew there was no point in prolonging a fight and it was best to end it as soon as possible.

As I heard the words 'I'm going to make him suffer', I felt the words were towards the fact that I hadn't been a good enough Father. And yet there I was trying to convince him and yell at him 'no', but why would he have listened? I was rendered powerless to stop him.

The moment that runs through my head until now was the moment when Cell blew himself up; there was so much I wanted to say to Gohan. The main thing I never got to say was 'I love you'. And yet those three words he never heard much out of my mouth and he should have.

I was so proud of him, and even as I left him. I knew I couldn't come back. I couldn't be the reason for him making another mistake and I wanted Gohan to be safe. I wasn't going to let him be in another battle because someone had a vendetta against me. If I weren't alive, then I knew it wouldn't be a problem.

He eventually defeated Cell. Gohan could've done it without me as he always had the power, but with every battle you need your friends and family. I was only any good to him at the end of it all. If anything he needed me and I was there for him, but I was what changed…

And when I chose to stay dead, I could feel the sadness within Gohan as he tried to be brave. When the seven years went by, I tried not thinking about my family. It hurt too much; leaving them. I didn't want to say goodbye.

Then King Kai began talking to me about the tournament. I wanted to see everyone; especially Gohan. Mostly the reason I intended to some back for the day was to beg for forgiveness. And no-one, not one person would be able to suspect it from me.

I left my son to grow up and basically forced it on him with myself leaving. I made him pick up the responsibility I should've done while alive and I bet you he was the one comforting Chi-Chi when she was sad.

The day arrived and eventually everyone had to punch a machine, which didn't measure true strength. I almost wanted to punch Vegeta in the face for having Gohan wait extra time because I wanted to spend some time with him. Of course I kept smiling and looked at the girl Gohan was standing next to; Videl. I don't know about the future, but I suspected she would be in it. It wouldn't surprise me if I were her Father in law. My only issue was I would never be at their wedding. I would never see my little boy standing down the aisle.

Then as I waited, I felt it difficult to talk to him. I knew he was keeping things from Videl and I felt nervous saying anything. I didn't want to come across as embarrassing, wanting to hold my son some more. Of course I held back.

As the day went by and fights passed with Goten and Trunks fighting and finally Gohan was able to join us. When he came to eat I tried to bury myself in food, trying to stop thinking about how badly I wanted to talk to Gohan and ask about everything that had happened while I was gone, but really I had no right. I chose to leave, but that day Gohan was forced to accept that, as I made that decision, not considering how he would feel about it.

The adult division began; I had a bad feeling about it all, but didn't say anything. I wanted to pretend things hadn't changed. Certainly they had; Gohan was grown up and I had another son. Denial was definitely running through my mind.

Everything was okay, until two strange people were being very mysterious. Then of course that fighter who beat up the girl Gohan liked, made me want to hurt someone and it hurt me trying to restraint Gohan as I had no right, as I had not been their at all for him in the past seven years. And what a memory did I give my son with me; trying to stop him from intervening in a fight when he loved them.

Though as Videl was in bad condition after the fight I went to Korin's place and there I ate food. I tried to get rid of my guilty, but I couldn't. I didn't mean to stay that long, and I was trying to figure out how to make up for lost time.

When I got back Gohan rushed over to me and grabbed the Senzu Beans and ran over to Videl. Then he came back quickly for his first opponent in the tournament.

Gohan had to fight Kibito and then asked for him to transform. I had to let him do it, though part of me was curious how strong he was. Of course when he transformed it was weaker. I wasn't sure if he was holding back or not, but when The Supreme Kai prevented Gohan from moving as the bad guys were stealing his energy, I so badly wanted to scream. I wanted to be in my sons place and I didn't want to be holding Videl from going near Gohan.

I knew if I disobeyed the Kai, I would pay for it. I gave Videl a look and whispered while everyone else wasn't listening, "I want to save him too." She stared at me in shock and stayed mostly calm.

When energy was drained from Gohan, I wanted to go to him and hold him in my arms. Though I had revenge on my mind and I knew if I saw Gohan like that I would coddle him and not let go.

Then The Supreme Kai started explaining about Buu, Babidi and Bibidi As soon as Gohan's power level went back to normal, I felt so much relief.

Some time later Gohan caught up and we went to fight Babidi, before Buu would be released. After Vegeta and I fought weak enemies finally Gohan's turn came up. I was excited, but there was a pit in my stomach. When the future events transpired I understood why.

As my son is fighting another one of Badibi's minion's, Vegeta mentions Gohan wasn't training at all in the past seven years. For a moment I was shocked. He used to love it; though he hated the idea of battles. I knew he made sacrifices because of me, but if this is what kills him, it's going to be his blood on my hands. That's when I knew why I felt my stomach turn. Things could do wrong and I wasn't there to remind my son that some things were just worth fighting for.

If I were their for my son; like I should've been, I would've been their to encourage him to continue fighting. I'm disappointed he gave up fighting, though I wasn't there for him. At least Gohan is happy and made his own decisions; but at least he got all A's. If he was training however, I wouldn't be so worried now. Another thing that was my fault.

The fight stopped however when Vegeta decided it would be a wonderful idea to have his mind taken over so he could fight me. I wanted to hurt him for that. He took more time away from me spending it away from my sons. Not many chances I had to speak to Gohan and yet I couldn't.

Gohan went to fight Buu at one point and then his ki suddenly vanished. In that moment I wanted Vegeta to grow up, however the fool knocked me out. I wanted to harm Vegeta for taking the chance away from me trying to save my son.

However, as they day went passed and things got worse. It was only then that when my time ran out that I was able to find Gohan. And good thing I didn't see him with a halo on his head. I was so relieved to know he was alive, though I could've had my head cut off in that moment.

The Z Sword Gohan was using broke after testing how strong it was. Then came out of it, was Old Kai who unlocked my sons powers; powers I couldn't even begin to fathom.

From a young age I knew some of what he could do and that he was capable of so much. What has me worried over the years is I don't know where his limits are. I always worried if I would push too far and hurt him, when we were training for the androids. And with Cell I had to be tough. I really didn't want to be.

Gohan insisted for me to go harder on him; even Chi-Chi before going in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber told me I had to not go easy on him. I didn't want Gohan to get scared of himself; because somewhere, deep inside of him, he always feared his powers.

As my boy is grown up, his fear diminished. However I know he fears the power he has. No-one knows what he is capable of; I wish I even knew, but I don't.

When Gohan fought Buu I was so proud. The moment I chose Mr Satan over my own family almost ripped my heart into shreds. That's a regret I will have for an eternity. I loved my son more than anything. My youngest too, I would've meant to not hurt.

Within that flash of choosing, I realised I make the worst mistake in my life time. Even now I can't go on Nimbus due to my poor judgement. And when my son died, I felt my heart stop.

I found it difficult to fight Buu. Not only because he was a tough and strong opponent, but because I felt the guilt in my heart that I let my son die. I couldn't believe that I'd let my son fight Cell. It was within that moment that I realised that could've been the result of the Cell games. I believed in my son, that I never have doubted, but I wasn't sure about Cells abilities.

As Buu beat Vegeta and I up, I was tempted to just lay their and die too. I felt so much pain from letting my own sons die. Mr Satan did help in the defeat of Buu, but I would never trade my sons for anyone and yet I did.

When Mr Satan contacted Earth to help us, I knew the main source of Ki in above me. It was from my son: Gohan. I knew I couldn't drop it, otherwise I'd let him down twice.

And even after that fight. My biggest regret was I let my sons die. I couldn't protect them. I wasn't there for either of my sons. I never was able to protect Gohan properly and I never had the chance with Goten because I remained dead for seven year; missing both of my sons having grown up.

* * *

It was like the child who once stood in front of me, grew away from me. He is now a man and that is my fault.

When I was reunited with my family once again, Gohan kept his distance, and who could blame him? Not me. I know I'm reason behind his pain.

All on the lookout, everyone is happy and yet I'm the one who is feeling distraught and worried. How do you repair a relationship, you're worried is broken and you cannot fix with words alone because you haven't been there for your loved ones at all.

I attempt to confront him, "Hey son!" I cheerfully say with my heart beating so fast that I feel myself going to faint soon, if I don't say something more, "how's it going?" I go to hug him, but he doesn't put his arms around me at all.

He whispers in my ear, "We'll talk about this later."

I look in confusion and take a step back, "Is everything okay son?"

He frowns and puts his arms around me in longing, "I miss you Dad. But," He pauses in hesitation, "But, you and I need to talk, if I don't it will keep eating at me."

I feel myself almost force myself off him. I know I don't want to let go, because I don't think he will ever want to hug me again. For all that I have done, all the pain and loss I've caused and I let my son die…

He walks away and joins Videl. I think one day they will get married. It's not only Chi-Chi who thinks so. I only hope she makes Gohan happy and will be there for him, unlike his old man. I wish it was us together again. Unfortunately I lost my right to be there for him a long time ago, because I chose to leave everyone.

And yet I made Gohan fear losing everyone in order to become a Super Saiyan and here we are. I'm standing some distance from him and Videl and I think I've lost him. Not because of the time gone, but because of my choices; my stupid mistakes.

* * *

-Later that day-

Chi-Chi wanted to give me some alone time with Gohan considering I really had none when I came back for the tournament. I tried to protest, even though I knew I needed this. I didn't want to admit 'I need to attempt to fix what've done to my son'.

As I pace up and down in my room considering what I should say, I am better to say whatever comes first. Of course, I don't know what to say, that is the problem. How can I apologise for all the mistakes I've made. How can I justify any of it? I can't…

All I can do it try, if not for me, but for Gohan. His needs are more important than my own. It is about time I put his in front of my own. I have made my own priorities more central to myself and never taking into account how it would affect him.

I walk towards Gohan. I try to open my mouth, but the words won't come out. How can I say, 'I'm sorry I hurt you and that I caused you so much pain?'

I speak, "Gohan, why did you…" My voice trails off. I have to know now. At least I tried to say something.

He just stares into my orbs taking note of my hands shaking due to my nerves and whispers, "If you were their, things would be different."

"I know," I look into his eyes. He is betrayed, "I'm sorry – sorry for everything!" I yell.

Gohan stands at his door ready to close it. He wants to push me away. I get it. He doesn't want to talk to me, "Dad, all it is lost words. You chose to stay dead. You chose it; not me, but you."

"I'm sorry!" I apologise again. My body is acting out with my heart rate, "Gohan, why did you give up fighting?" I need to know. Was I the cause like a lot of things turning out wrong?

"Because I no longer had the time Dad, and it wasn't like Mum encouraged it." He looks in frustration and regret, "it was my own decision that had to be made."

"But Gohan, you loved fighting!" I argue. My fists won't stop shaking, I need to know more.

"And you chose to stay dead." I feel my heart almost stop as those words. He is right…

"But son…" I look sadly at him, unsure of what to say.

Gohan speaks, "Dad, you chose to make your own decisions and I made mine a long time ago. I gave up fighting; yes it was important to me, but other things were more important. I had to help with raising Goten." He frowns, "And me giving up my own desires for someone you love is needed. You taught me that. And at the same time, you should've known that Dad. You chose to stay dead!"

I stand still at his words. I was the reason he gave up what he loved doing most. How can I repay something like that?

"Son," I start, "I really…" I find myself lost for words.

"That was your choice Dad. At least you taught me that I shouldn't ever abandon my family and put my own dreams over their own child's. I know I can't ever forgive you for that. I gave up fighting for them. And you couldn't even come home for your own son!"

"Wait," I put my hand to try and get a word in, "son I'm here now." I try to put my hand on his shoulder.

"Where were you then Dad? When Mum was crying? When I was wondering why my own Daddy wasn't their," he takes a breath, "you weren't their when I was screaming for you the last time I talked to you. You didn't even listen." His voice is beginning to grow in anger, "What about Goten? Some angel you are; that's what I told him, that you were an angel. You are nothing but a deadbeat Father who didn't care enough to see behind the smile his son puts on."

I feel myself losing myself to him. This battle I won't win. He waits for me to say something, but how can I?

"Remember all those times in the Hyperbolic time Chamber. Do you know why I never quit? Because I couldn't disappoint you, I refused to let you feel disappointment." He stares straight into my eyes, "When you love someone; that's what you do Dad, you believe in them and you do what they ask no questions asked. You put your utmost faith in them. I did that and look where it got us." I feel my heart sink. He did all that for me? I guess he always did for things for himself; but I know now there was always more.

"Gohan," I try to touch his hand, but he immediately shoves it off.

"But in the end you disappointed me. You left everyone and abandoned me." He stares at me as his eyes flash teal. He shouldn't be able to though…

As he tries to step foot in his room, with his back turned, I immediately put my arms around hold him. This is what I've been longing to do for so many years now alone.

He tries to break free; but I grab on tighter and move to see him. I notice tears are falling from his eyes. I did this to him; all I want to do is make everything better. I put my hand to his face and wipe his tears away. I then move hold him closer to me; his body becomes almost limp and fall atop of mine as he begins to sob loudly.

How many years has he not cried? How many years has he stayed strong without me? Too many: another mistake. As I hold him for the first time in seven years I feel my own tears mixing in his. I know after these things will never be the same because of me. Things could've been better and yet I chose this. I can't undo what is already done. That is not fair to my son.

And if I look back, there's his image; his bright dark coloured eyes staring up at mine; him grabbing onto my leg, like time is stood still. And his hold is so tight; not wanting things to change, holding my singlet in comfort. His figure not even reaching my waist, and his short dark hair rubbing against my singlet; he looks so much like me and yet he looks so lovingly at me.

We were there walking together. I just hope things would be the same again and fact is I chose to leave him. No matter how I feel things won't be the same. They won't be like they were then.

I looked down at him. He would soon surpass me in everything. He wouldn't even begin to imagine, but for now I will baby him while I still can. And be there to treasure and spend time with my beautiful son.

Now though, his voice has changed, so has everything about him. No longer does he have a voice of a boy, but that of a man's.

Who can blame him though for not loving me as much? There are so many things I want to say to him; but not any words he has to say to me.

I think he spoke enough the time I last spoke to him when I made my decision to stay dead and in when I was standing in front of his door. It was my mistake; not his. If only I could make it up to him. If I had another chance I would do it again, but be there for Gohan to grow up. The problem is…

He is all grown up.

No longer is he my little boy who would run to me in fear. Instead he faces the challenges he has in life head on by himself. He learned to fly without me. It was my own entire fault, even if it was years ago; he grew up without me their.

Without me.

As I am holding him now, I know I will never have this closeness again; that too, it my fault.

* * *

_**Thank you for reading!**_

_**There is a part of the story, where I was inspired from a picture: pin/47801494**_  
_**- A person said it was Goten in a comment...though I think it is Gohan? It looks like Gohan. Oh well...it partially inspired the piece especially when Goku goes says 'If I look back...'.**_

_**This one-shot was just over 9600 words! So proud!**_

_**Apologises', if there is any inconsistencies in my tenses when Goku is 'reflecting' on previous events (except the flashback). I tried to go through and edit to make sure it was the same.**_

_**I find writing in past tense difficult as I have taught myself to write in present tense and constantly to trying to stick to past tense I struggle with a lot. Maybe present tense is easier as we use it everyday?**_

_**I'm also unsure if I overdid using their and there. Again, I forgot which one I should be using at what time. Though from memory 'their' is used when a person is involved and 'there' is associated with a place.**_

_**Merry Xmas everyone! =D**_

_**- Pink Sparkles**_


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